Cold hands, warm shart.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
