My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
