just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
