Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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