She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
