if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
