I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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