I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
