Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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