yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just forgot I was standing up.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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