I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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