No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
being pregnant is like rehab
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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