I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
