he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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