Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
