grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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