I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
