his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
sarcasm needs its own font
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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