do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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