Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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