I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
3pm strippers are depressing
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
