I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
