o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
