your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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