If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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