I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
