He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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