I hate all girls vehemently.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
