Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
