I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
