Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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