It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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