I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
