Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
