I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
