Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
