I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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