I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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