The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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