eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
