If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
