The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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