When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize