He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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