She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
