I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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