Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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