I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
