I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
