I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
