I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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