Someone shit on the floor
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize