so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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