WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
