11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
