The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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