I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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