so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
