I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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