tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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