We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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