Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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