my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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