I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
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